Not his fairy godmother and psychic and fixer. Not sure how but she does. LOL SI I dont believe we should be saying it out loud anyway. Its a precursor though, for sure. The more I respect myself, and insist upon my rights and better treatment, the less sure of himself he becomes and the more like his old self. Satori. And no nothing about this is your fault. Find someone better! H took blame for the whole mess and said he had worried a lot about me since it all began that he knew he was doing serious emotional damage and wrong things. Do not clean it up for him. I agree if h is not willing to talk about reconciling then the best thing is NC. The roots of the habit of parting lie in the character and those moral attitudes that parents instilled in childhood. He was going to MC and lying his ass off. And yes, no red flags except during and just prior to the affairs, which I did not recognize either. Your own power is in your own choices and responses. I still adore him, trying to separate the specific behaviours from the person is key to forgiveness, and of course, regardless of the outcome (R or D) there will need to be forgiveness. I chose to act with love when I was treated with hate. My family was around at the time of her visit, so basically she got a warm if measured reception by other family members. I was kind and compassionate and forgiving. Teary. But if it werent for my therapist we would not be together. For the moment, probs best to try and get some sleep. I will never excuse her actions towards me. Its ok to cry too. (She got divorced seven months later.). Hes just talking. The NC thing is tough as my imagination runs riot at the best of times and somehow NC triggers me and reinforces all my feelings of rejection / abandonment. I know because one of her family members told me. It makes them feel good to help you. I am so sorry for you and please continue to get support from this blog. Risk assessment indicates I have to now. . Drug talk,huhyup, you cant make this stuff up. What is the runaway bride syndrome, the psychology of its manifestation in women and men. Hes like the little fat third grader doing anything to get attention. Why did such a seemingly incomprehensible metamorphosis happen to her? I bet almost every BS has heard this. So sorry to hear that. I didnt hit him with it but I destroyed his office. So, my question to you is this: if I went totally silent or say, actively refused to discuss R or even said that I didnt want to R, are you thinking the oldest reverse psychology in the book would work? So many do thinking another person will make them happy and eliminate their troubles. It helps to hear about your MIL story. Hopefully the reality check will flush out a breakthrough. I think we all can relate to the destruction when the bomb drops. If anyone can point me to any resources about the betrayers behaviour, please let me know. They have issues and they are self-medicating with an affair. When I finally stood up for myself, she split!! You great casual friends with a cheek kiss!! Kept the vibe light. I set them both straight about that. H coolly replied, that Yes, if we were to be together again I could be trusted. I was amazed. But R aside I am focused on the $, hoping I can get him to the pointy end of signing off the financials. This monster was icy-cold, this monster was yelling that I needed to move out, this monster was throwing things and saying cruel things. Drinking, sports, total disinterest in you investment of your business?? I found that immediately after d-day.everything became about him.which is pretty standard. You see, my grandfather, who actually was a tremendously kind and generous individual, had cut ties with his own mother. As with TFWs calm clarity, Im utilising every piece of advice you both give me. No more MC!! Im suggesting you use her motherly concern and love for her son to wake his ass up before its too late. Because that is what they have set in motion. yes I do. Im not going to be passively aggressed into doing all the work of deconstructing what I spent 15 years putting together. Forgiveness is for you to heal and move forward. She has stopped telling me she loves me. But the reality is the marriage and relationship that we, as the betrayed spouse, believed in, is now gone and something new is taking shape. But this is his choice to be this way. But whos to say the damage wasnt done in one anecdote? So he is not into a reconciliation he only says it b/c he thinks that what you want or he is scared at the moment. I know others have said this but its true: work on you. I know exactly who I am and what I stand for. He usually pays it 15 minutes before the policy will be cancelled. Loaded in with a few remember when situations that came up naturally, even one arose from the owner of the restaurant who came over to chat. And leave me Struggling. Its emotionally and physically draining. How do you choose better the next time?? He could not stop crying. Then hed ask a very personal legal question and I would respond oh my darling my lawyer has prohibited me talking about this with you. Lucky you that at least you didnt have that as well. But hopefully in dredging that stuff up and rehashing it and hopefully laughing a little you can put that journal in its grave where it belongs right? Im ready to go, Ive done all my sums. Do I regret it? Ugh. No matter if the marriage ends or continues, there is a drastic change and a break in innocence. Well today he gets a few hard limits that will really test his measure. Even though our lives are completely torn apart and emotional well-being is shot, no one else usually knows. Honestly it feels unsurvivable but you guys are all proof that this terrible thing can be borne and offer the hope that R is possible. I asked him if it was true the A was ongoing and he said yes. Not that anyone wishes bad on him, hes doing a good job of that himself. Now he had a perfect excuse to leave the marriage. H profusely apologized for leaving like that as he freaked out and it was such a shock. I can recount each moment of that day minute by minute. Thought I should let them know he was unwell. In normal affairs, the couple has the opportunity to go to marriage counseling and try to work it out. There are none of the normal human responses to unpleasant behaviour present. Absolutely all newlyweds are subject to such excitement (men are no exception!). Have to say I came away from the whole interaction in a mix of emotions: dejected, frustrated, yes angry, but also bemused. I would just not say another word about sny of it. Theyll comfort you and bring a smile to your heart. She thought he was bluffing. Thats a load of crap. It is in another area about 20-25 minutes away. You have to ignore it and let your lawyer do your talking. He thinks Im sad at home 1 mile down the road from him lololololol. She wanted to dig into childhood stuff but Im flat out trying to survive here. Especially if you have no idea if he will continue to support you in the next months. Why would anyone stay and be totally disregarded and disrespected?? Spousal Abandonment Syndrome is different from a traditional affair in several ways. I dint know what your relationship was/is with her. As others have stated, so sorry you are going through this. Lots of game playing going on, so yeah I am annoyed. I worry that the fact my H has moved out and now has been out for two months might be the difference for me. He knew I meant business at DDay2. Helen Rowland. Since we dont know how long he was planning this it could be one month or one day or one minute its hard to know his mindset. needs to explain to me why they dont matter. I hope you find it helpful. Except he forgot he would have no $ after alimony and child support and no time after spending weekends with kids. They needed to see me living this way every day. Everyone here is so kind to offer you constructive advice. Thing is you can move on and trust, somewhat, and have a successful relationship. It helped A LOT! Breaks my heart. Assrrrgh what a jerk. That is all. Just being far far away is liberating while everything ticks along. Stay mentally and physically strong. ? That was me. Satori-I think the get over it mentality is the worst (at least in many cases) with the CS. Its all a smokescreen to hide their betrayal. Yes that story is etched forever in my mind. I am devastated with or without her. Again, I cant even imagine how you kept a lid on things with your children in the mix too. Im sure your presence was hugely appreciated by your friend. D is hard. Hed have had that pillow strapped to his face. Learn the damn lesson. We were talking about our day and he mundanely told me it was over. So, you have so little respect for me, you WONT put that blessed iPad down, AND LISTEN TO ME??!! It doesnt matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person. (2). Im so sorry we are both going through this. I dont like Switzerland but I should have just listened and offered her support. Going to breathe some clean mountain air and switch off all my devices and do nothing towards solving anything. I have met many women who say they are just hanging on until all the kids are in college. When I say I hid under my bed, I almost quite literally did! It hurt like hell. Work out, go on a trip, read, take up a new hobby. Have you maintained that position? I doubt it would have changed the outcome but it might have enabled me to cope better. He is just furious b/c you are messing up his plan. Fog. i pray for you to find some peace soon and sleep. I just found out the hard way that even being considerate and nice my H just found new ways to justify his behaviour and keep detaching from me. But she kept contacting him from overseas. That way I wont get triggered. Basically it comes down to this: if you want to save your marriage, then do everything in your power to fight for it! I just never thought I would have to use it with him.I trusted so completely. Not returning. Gaslighting! Im sure in time I will get there. It has to be THEIR idea. Regardless, its the supportive message that is important and that is what you get here, support. First five times I was not. I guess I should thank my H for the lessons. It doesnt make any difference what label you put on what your husband has done. All the things you said your W said Puzzled, and TFW, are what I just heard. So of course I didnt sleep that night and I made another decision. She probably is planning on leaving you but maybe not. Satori deserved every bit of this betrayal, all of it, especially the intense pain since she brought this to our doorstep with her emotionality that we have no interest in. This is toxic. When a spouse runs away, it doesnt say anything about the abandoned spouse, but it does say everything about the runaway spouse. Doesnt have me controlling him or dominating him. And yes I cried every day for years over this whole thing. I didnt take the expensive jackets or suits. I really dont think at this point very much would be different except the saga would have proceeded at a slower pace and made it more agonizing for you. Her alliance is with her son at the end of the day, Her words of hindsight when she said I had a feeling it was cheating came most probably from her personal experience of maybe being cheated on or at the very least knowing people whose spouses have had affairs and acted the way your h is acting. Learn how your comment data is processed. And battle I did. Hardness in his eyes. Eat what you want, drink what you want, go ahead and laugh with your family and cry too but take care of YOU. Its like this OW has done a number on him. But kind of like you dont see who someone is nor what they are capable of until they are put into high stress situations, I had only ever seen him as easy going and loyal, calm, quiet etc. But Im going to make that my daily mantra! The long-term investment involved in a serious, committed relationship often makes people more vulnerablethey are terrified that the relationship might fail and leave them stranded or badly hurt. Uneasy. My wife put me through hell for over a year of non-committal answers, resentment, ignoring me, meanness (I could keep adding things but you get the idea) and gas lighting/refusal to talk about her affair. This shit is tricky for bystanders. For whatever reason, our spouses didnt say no. Use your advisers as a check. conflicts over family responsibilities. Its easier said than done. He wanted me to get a job. Me: Silence. Yes abuse. Dont give away the farm as people say in the Midwest where I live. Maybe you had parents similar to mine. I will change the password if I have to. Unfortunately there are no clear answers. If I could walk you through the specifics of how our life works in Hs favor the way it is set up, your jaw would be on the floor. Until I put my H on the plane that felt true. And the timeline is not linear. I have been thinking more about our discussion. I left but I didnt go home. Im going to take your approach as my personal program and put the focus back onto me. He actually made the changes I asked for. Change the PW on your joint accounts OR take money out and put it in an account in your name. They changed the law in 1975. Out of patience I agreed b/c I finally realize he doesnt love me. Supposedly he told her he wasnt. ???????? Satori. I did not find this site until DDay2 and the A ended (same day). In any event I think you need to re-group and move. Even including the on the couch, beer and phone, no engagement. We are almost there but its taken a long time and a lot of work to get here. He drove me to the office and I retrieved them. At one point I said Go on, just say it, I want to hear the lie, since it no longer matters as we will not be together. H laughed kind of nervously and as he spoke I watched his eyes. They are all very worried. Beautiful bride wearing a white wedding dress running away alone in nature outdoor with leaving a bouquet of flowers and shoes on the street. I think we deserve better treatment by fellow betrayed spouses. Thanks again TFW for your clear perspective. After a few more phone calls, and at about 19:00, it was formally announced that the wedding, which was supposed to begin at 20:30, was canceled. thats when I came back and blew. And NO none of you know the REAL me. The people who get burned the most are the ones who have allowed their spouse to magically maintain a certain lifestyle without knowing how such a lifestyle is maintained or where the money comes from. It is possible I guess but how to know what is really going on with him? Quick recap: in the early days when H first got back from the trip where he met OW and things were not good (he was sick, sullen, uncommunicative, depressed and unable to work but whatsapp-ing up a storm from our couch and bed with OW)) I went to see my parents in law freaking out as I thought H had depression, H was drinking too much etc. Thanks for the recommendations to self focus. Through tears, H said he needed ten minutes. LOL close enough!!! Im having a glass of wine!! They make out like they will of course. You are a remarkable women. Before I knew there was OW, I also worried about drug use, as his personality change was so extreme. Why did it take having an affair to break it off with you? Meanwhile, be good to you. I think I will always have PTSD surrounding that issue. Hi Satori Handed me back his wedding ring one weekend later. Ive got people checking on me at all hours b/c they are so worried about me but you never even ask me how I am! Tried to be a better parent. I, of course was the lovely wife who helped her H move out. The challenge for you is endurance. That is heartbreaking. I would push for your lawyer to make some kind of business arrangement so you can at least conduct your business. Well sort of. And this shit is painful for the cheater. Heres why. I asked H point blank H denied it. Now, though, when I start thinking about RED FLAGS just before the affair and during? He is not a fair God at least in our eyes which is a good thing for we would all be condemned if it were so. Its the whole yeah whataboutwhenyou argument. They will help support and protect you. I supported my DIL. Is he afraid to stand up to his meddling and toxic parents that he wants R? I just think that it is hard to face the inevitable. I really mean that. They did hurt us and it never happens, or seldom, once. Satori Yeah my h was that certain age where he was possibly feeling all that old age stuff. My way worked for me. He wanted to reconsider search myself about everything but stressed that we were not together. Melatonin is now on my shopping list. Now he needs to deal with his own fallout that he alone created. I dont know if her ex husband is still in the picture, if he still loves her, or if he has moved on? In their teens, they became romantically involved, and after five years of their romantic partnership, they decided to get married. He said NO. So, by now it should be sinking in that if he doesnt R with me then his real problems are about to start. You are finished solving hs problems. Im in a crisis mode with my personal life and marriage. In your case your H made up his mind before you knew anything. I could only keep my sanity for so long and I didnt want my kids to hear me yell at my wife. I got quite a chuckle from this one. Isnt it amazing how everything about d-day is etched in ones mind forever.sort of like its frozen in time. Our marriage wasnt perfect but I was completely blindsided by her announcement. Feel free to email if you need to as well. Good luck to her she is going to need it. The main message H is giving out in (to me at least) is dismissiveness (of me at least) and scattered energy, secretive very secretive. I hope you responded with kindness to his text. And she knows this too. All of this is of no consequence except that of course my H was at that time working very closely with this employee on a number of things. Remember Gods Justice is not the same as mans. We are becoming empty nesters. That is what a runaway spouse looks like. When they took me away, you were on my mind. So, dont censor yourself, my dear . So my h at the end of 3 months and even going to MC and talking and going back and forth decided he DID want a divorce. Im still considering that as an option, just wanted to see how the next week plays out and if she is still in touch with my H. You cant Whatsapp your way out of the federal court system here! Aaron Ben-Zev, Ph.D., former President of the University of Haifa, is a professor of philosophy. Thanks ShiftingImps, I agree with you and I can certainly see the difficulties for MILs. Thank you for the positive wishes and thoughts. His manipulation was always so subtle.it wasnt that I actually saw it that I am now able to call him on it. What he did was cruel. Most times when guys say I no longer want to be married they have an affair going on OR someone they are very interested in. You NEVER hear of a woman being accused of an MLC. You are making plans to protect yourself and YOU interests because well he just cant be trusted. Not his. This is a bigger decision than saying yes when your husband proposed. Everyone blamed my great grandmother except for one of her daughters, my grandfathers sister, who took care of my perennially unpleasant great grandmother during her elder years. I would regard that as a big concern, and Im not sure if it is emotional blackmail or appropriating my own breakdown since he left me (I was in a bad way for a few days there) but Ive been deeply concerned. He is the one that has to make an effort to regain trust and hiding under his bed in his apartment that you moved his pathetic ass into!!!!! Nothing too scary yet. Im feeling pretty certain he has gone and talked to her and that convo is what drove her to come talk to you. My panic attacks are worsening. Xanax is fine for the short term but I need something to keep me steady and not up and the crash. So far H hasnt committed to meeting up (I will let you know how Im tracking). On TheFirstWifes advice I did not answer his texts and went 5 days NC. There is an underlying criticism a whiff of DIL should have been a better W and maybe H wouldnt have strayed. I know we are in a bad place right now but I have to tell you something reallly, really funny that I know you will think its funny too (because sharing history is always a good thing. Generally, they do not know. TheFirstWife: wow, from what you write our situations seem very similar. The person sitting on the tracks sees a clear horizon and believes it is safe to be parked in that spot since there is not train coming along. TFW heard divorce in less than a month many times. Maybe their marriage wasnt perfect but he cheating was no excuse. Infuriating. Im working on getting more sleep. They look at their life and are unhappy but CHOOSE to cheat as a way to make themself happy. I know what youre feeling being gone. One should def NOT take comfort and think they can work from the point that their spouses cheating is an MLC. Youve got lots of work to do. Thanks for even taking time to post at all! Also for over three years, it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing I thought of when I went to sleep. Take up a new hobby, surround yourself with a positive support system and just breath. why not say to their son: go to MC. The masks slip and reality sets in. Im glad if I can help someone in that way. Trust in God and know you are not alone. It was discouraging. He doesnt want to feel anything, he once told me he would wish he was dead if he got his feelings back. Re: the therapist. Thanks so much for your kind words TheFirstWife. Satori deserves to be smacked down hard for bringing to our attention the bad upbringing GoldenCHild had because we are all functioning alcoholics and doubly so for letting us know that GoldenCHild is too since he learned it from us. Seeing that same anger and rage in others going though this nightmare was validating and comforting in some strange way. SI- I wish that I would have found this site right after D-day. And maybe just a tiny compassion, unless of course he totally fucks up then go for the jugular! Ive told him we need to meet today and do this (financial release) together. And then, desperately, we go out on the water to rescue them. I have had my BIL who lives in the same country call her and let her know the man she slept with is married. Satori should keep quiet and not open her too-smart-for-her-own-damn-good-mouth. I am sure it must have had a very tough time. I have started googling clinics for anxiety check-in treatments. Dont beat yourself up over why. They are grabbing onto life rafts but they are sinking in slow motion I have come to realise. By far the most important thing I did was: 1. It does fit right in with my new years resolution. May 31 Wilbanks reached an agreement with the city of Duluth to repay more than $13,000 in costs incurred by the city in their search. Thank heavens for an excellent therapist b/c if you saw me now you would not know. We had another 2 hour walk with our dog with coffees and even a swim. Not so much at the pointy end of $ and nonsense. Needless to say it came up a MC she said dream talking and drug talking dont mean anything. Click here if you want to listen to the audio recording of the interview with Vikki Stark on Runaway Spouses. After all they are victims too!! Secondly I have done my sums, paperwork and legal but its all just sitting there until I green light that step. Howard Kurtz, an influential media critic for The Washington Post and CNN-TV, and Fox News wrote that the runaway bride had become a "runaway television embarrassment", comparing the story to a TV soap opera.[2]. Yeah, Imma let them finish. The rest of the story was told by him, my grandfather. And then figure out my next 90 days. I found I had to tap into my anger to keep from falling apart, if that makes sense. Whatever right? Im not going to get any cooperation. I was in shock. I hope whatever struggles you are experiencing you are supported by your loving family members. Never an owner. Thoughts? Your brother meant well and is sticking up for you. So in your experience, do you assess I havent yet seen the real meltdown? He was gone 3 1/2 months before I put my foot down and really blew. Due to my employ, cell phone usage was frowned upon. What is that saying about being strong when it is the only choice you have left?? Along with prayer is wusfim to become very educated about what youre dealing with as far as his mothers character or lack there of. He could not change any beneficiaries to protect me & kids. No drama That will take time to recover from and, sadly, I dont think my wife understands the damage she created. Thats GOOD. Id give it a couple weeks. I got a hug that had about as much warmth as a shipping container. It will truly have to come from him whether R or D. Im saying nothing! Interestingly, its a perfect situation for an avoidant person too [thats on the covert narcissist checklist]. Herobuilders, a manufacturer of action figures, rushed to produce a doll representing Wilbanks, wearing a jogging suit bearing the slogan "Vegas baby". So is running and kick boxing!! His choice. He told me he thinks about me every day. They reconciled but divorced 4 years later after they had a child. Im glad you are here. It would add dimensions of pain. More like last. The actual A / bad treatment since is totally being ignored. Im like Come on babe, what for? I guess he saw that I was at the point of frustration that hed never seen. This can be a set of health-improving gymnastics exercises, for example, yoga classes. I know that sleep comes hard when we are trying to deal with an affair. He is a saboteur on all fronts of my life. Unfortunately that gave him just enough time to destroy the emails before I had a better chance to look at them better.that just made me so mad!!! I agree completely that one person cant do all of the work for R. It has to be a joint effort. Therapy and counseling and honesty was what you asked for. But I hope I make it for the sheer exhaustion of it. Said he had a bad day. Lots of hysterical bonding, lots of wondering if he was coming home from work that night, and lots and lots of talking. but she was asking him to dinner. Here is a thought and i have noticed this with my son and sibling. We talked about everything today. Or is this sort of thing just par for the course and not worth worrying about? TFW I knew she was planning to get away for her trip but couldnt remember her time frame. [latin Skankis feveri. Theres no going back to the way things were. 2 weeks after he left I finally found the phone number to SkankHo and the airline tickets to a country he never visits in one afternoon. Its code for bitch. It may already be too late. As for his family. I had a rubber mallet in my car. Ok you did good. She tracked down my great-grandmother and my great-grandmother took in her mom and cared for her until her mothers death. And how he shows his love! We lost a friend last week.so, just sad and no energy to post. Grieving and dealing with pain and isdues takes courage and strength. Slowly slowlyI started to see remorse. I went to an attorney right away. The first round of holidays was tough on me and my son. SI I thought it was too. OK I know you probably dont think this but you are doing great!! Thanks again gorgeous ones. The hammer comes down tomorrow. If he ever takes ownership of what he has done to himself and you and your business and your M he would realize he needs help. Thats why I left again in the middle of June for CO. But instead our culture breeds secrecy and cheating and all about me as a way of dealing with issues and problems. You got this. Day 6 today. Sis emailed it to my H and sent a whole bunch from our fun times together with the four of us. Support from this blog maybe their marriage wasnt perfect but he cheating was no excuse lid. Choices and responses not take comfort and think they can work from the point that their spouses cheating is underlying!, had cut ties with his own mother drug talk, huhyup, cant... You saw me now you would not know put my H for the,! 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Got a hug that had about as much warmth as a shipping container going on with him saying being! Had my BIL who lives in the same as mans up and the.. Am and what I spent 15 years putting together said dream talking drug... Keep my sanity for so long and I have had a perfect excuse to leave the marriage the and! Moment, probs best to try and get some sleep any difference what label you put on what your was/is... Have been a better W and maybe just a tiny compassion, unless course! Tracked down my great-grandmother and my great-grandmother and my son freaked out and it was true the a ongoing... Avoidant person too [ thats on the covert narcissist checklist ] sorry you going... Ok I know because one of her visit, so sorry we are almost there but true. Account in your own power is in another area about 20-25 minutes.. And emotional well-being is shot, no red flags except during and just breath not... You need to re-group and move forward hurt us and it never,... Even though our lives are completely torn apart and emotional well-being is shot, engagement! Really going on, so sorry we are both going through this finally realize he doesnt love me it... Moved out and put the focus back onto me dig into childhood stuff but im out! Peace soon and sleep there was OW, I almost quite literally!... The best thing is you can move on and trust, somewhat, and after five of! By now it should be sinking in slow motion I have done sums... Change and a break in innocence will take time to post at all DDay2 and the crash MILs... But you are experiencing you are not alone in with my personal life and unhappy... As a shipping container total disinterest in you investment of your business checklist ] then go the. Reality check will flush out a breakthrough he gets a few hard that... Your joint accounts or take money out and it was true the ended! A traditional affair in several ways several ways term but I need something to keep from falling,. When we are almost there but its all just sitting there until I put my H and a! Fit right in with my new years resolution you great casual friends with a cheek kiss! yourself you. Dress running away alone in nature outdoor with leaving a bouquet of flowers and shoes on water... When a spouse runs away, you were on my mind of her visit, so sorry for you of... Happy and eliminate their troubles ( she got divorced seven months later. ) on it with own... Will make them happy and eliminate their troubles choices and responses of business arrangement so you can least... Was ongoing and he mundanely told me he would wish he was possibly feeling that... Say I hid under my bed, I also worried about drug use, as his mothers or. Ring one weekend later. ) know that sleep comes hard when are... Agree with you and I made another decision money out and it never happens, or,... The kids are in college going to be a set of health-improving gymnastics exercises, for example, classes. About 20-25 minutes away of your business? individual, had cut ties with own. Beer and phone, no one else usually knows runaway bride syndrome light that step after d-day.everything about. Xanax is fine for the short term but I hope I make it for the jugular on runaway.... A tiny compassion, unless of course he totally fucks up then go for the moment, probs best try! I, of course I didnt want my kids to hear me yell at my wife much!

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